1. First off, ditch the camper - and even the tent. Just pack a bag and head out. Leave it all behind. Become a drifter. You gave it a shot. Now it's time to move on.
2. For a quick and easy fire starter, just bring a flamethrower. Ignore that bear in the jeans and silly hat. He's just talking crazy again.
3. Want fresh eggs for breakfast while you're living off the grid? Bring a chicken with you. Seriously. His name's Carl. He loves long road trips. He'll be at your house in the morning.
4. Wondering how to keep clean on a camping trip when you're far away from showers? Wait until it rains*. It's probably going to rain again soon, right? Just go stand outside. Boom - you're clean.
5. For mosquitoes and biting flies - still have that flamethrower handy? I'm kidding, but seriously - what is Carl doing anyway? Don't chickens eat mosquitoes??
6. Natural tick repellant - don't go outside. Bring plenty of electronics and camp somewhere with wifi.
7. Hotels. Forget it - this is too hard. Make sure it's a pet-friendly hotel. Carl needs to maintain a certain lifestyle.
Now get out there and have some fun!